Note:
Throughout Dean’s
monologue Jane is unable to hear him. Although she will interact with him of
her own accord, anything which he says falls on deaf ears.
*During this impromptu
scene where Dean whisks Jane off into a makeshift city of London (After the
line “You’d
be skipping along and I’d grab you by the arm.”) Jane should be theatrically animated but in no
way should her performance be realistic. She is not a conscious character in
this scene but merely an accessory for Dean’s story telling.
Casting:
Dean
Jane
Dean (13)
Mrs Whitehall
Classmate One
Classmate Two
Thomas
George
Grandmother
Mother
Dean (5)
Ash
Act One – The Office
(The sound of rain
lightly falling against a window can be heard, the curtains open.)
(Two desks are in the
centre of the stage with a computer, telephone and general office paraphernalia
on each. Dean is sat on the left one and Jane on the right. There is a table to
the left of the stage with a kettle, mugs, coffee pots, milk and sugar sitting
on top it. The background consists of a plainly decorated office wall with a
single window in the centre between the two desks depicting a view of London on
a drizzly day)
(The curtains open and
the sound of rain quietens as we catch the end of Jane’s story, Dean is
listening intently.)
Jane: I just can’t help it you know it’s a guilty pleasure!
I just love it like, oh god the drama and how utterly foul they are! I think
girls are just suckers for absolute trash television (Laughing) I highly recommend it.
(They both smile at each
other nervously)
Jane: We, er, should probably get on with some work.
(Dean nods in
agreement. Jane turns to her computer and begins typing, Dean chooses not to
work but instead idly gaze out of the window behind them.)
Dean: You know I love this kind of weather.
(He gets up and stands
beside the window to look out across London. Jane continues with her work
silently.)
Dean: It’s so peaceful. Perhaps not the best if you’re
working outside; like lollypop ladies they must hate it. But in here it’s just,
lovely. (To Jane) You look stunning today. I love that blouse on you it’s
beautiful.
(There is a pause
where he lingers on Jane a little too long. She turns her head to look in
Dean’s direction which makes him jump. Oblivious to his embarrassment she gives
him a warm smile before returning to her work. Dean begins to move around the
office.)
Dean: If I were a girl and I knew you I’d probably hate you.
(To Jane) Not because you’re a bad
person or anything! It’s just because you’d be a lot prettier than me. (Pause) I guess that’s a pretty weird
thing to say, sorry.
(He pause’s again
however feels compelled to add one more thing.)
Dean: Actually you know what if I were a girl I’d probably be the
one who has a ridiculously large nose compared to the rest of her face, know
what I mean? I feel so bad for those girls, those big nosed girls. I promise
I’ll stop now.
(He stands by the
coffee table and begins to idly play with one of the mugs.)
Dean: I remember when
you first started working here. Ridiculously hot day and I’d eaten a cornetto
which had dripped all over my work shirt. Actually I kind of licked at the
stains when no one was watching; I really like Cornetto’s.
(He places the mug
down and moves freely around the office.)
Dean: But yeah you kind of, skipped in? Yes you definitely skipped
into the office and I stood there, licking my stain thinking “Who the hell
skips places.” And immediately labelled you as a very bad person but you know
what, you weren’t, you were lovely. And you waltzed up to me with this silly grin on your face
and just yelled “Hi!” I mean how couldn't I like you, your so friendly! And from there on it’s been a whirlwind of a
friendship. You with your Geordie Shore, me with my culture, it’s a laugh riot. And you know what the best thing is? You continue to say
hello. Like, I dunno, I don’t want to sound bitter about this or, sensitive,
but some of the people around here can’t even be bothered to make any eye
contact. I mean it doesn't hurt really, does it? A bit of recognition, a smile.
God no I sound really bitter (laughs)
sorry. It’s just I've had to put up with
this kind of stuff in the past it gets to me.
(Lights go out.)
Act Two – School
(Whilst the stage is
dark the office desks and coffee table are removed and replaced with 2x4 rows
of smaller school desks with chairs attached to them which face the audience. A
blackboard is placed in front of the office window and a large wooden table is
placed to the right of the stage with a comfy chair behind it. Paper work is
piled up neatly on one side of the table.)
(Girls and Boys
between the ages of 12 to 13 in school uniform sit in the chairs and begin to
talk to each other. They become louder and more boisterous and as the lights
come on we are confronted with Dean’s twelve year old classroom.)
(Dean (13) enters the
stage. The whole class stop talking and stare at him for one awkward second
before continuing on with their conversations like he was never there. Dean
(13) takes his place in an empty desk at the front and opens up a large, beaten
up copy of the Oxford Dictionary which he begins to read.)
(Mrs Whitehall Enters.)
Mrs Whitehall: Morning class, morning class.
(Classroom continues
talking.)
Mrs Whitehall: (Shouting.)
Good morning class!
(The class jump up in
shock. They all turn around hastily to face the front of the classroom.)
Classroom: Good Morning Mrs Whitehall!
Mrs Whitehall: I hope you’ve all had a good weekend!
Classmate 1: Brilliant Miss.
Classmate 2: The best Miss.
Mrs Whitehall: Very good! (To Dean (13)) And you Dean?
(Dean (13) is
obviously embarrassed by being singled out; Mrs Whitehall goes to Dean (13)’s desk
and crouches down in a patronising manner.)
Mrs Whitehall: Did you have a good weekend?
(Dean (13) nods
furiously, still embarrassed, and buries his head into the dictionary. Standing
upright she returns her attention to the class)
Mrs Whitehall: Fantastic! Now today we’ll be working in
pairs so I want you all to find a partner please.
(Mrs Whitehall takes
her place behind her desk as the class becomes busy choosing who their partners
will be. Dean (13) looks around the classroom, completely ignored by his peers.)
Mrs Whitehall: Has everyone got a partner?
Classroom: (In unison)
Yes Miss.
Mrs Whitehall: Have you Dean?
(Audible sighs can be
heard coming from certain members of the class, Dean (13) timidly shakes his
head.)
Mrs Whitehall: Okay then well you can pair up with Thomas
and George for today.
Thomas: (Protesting)
Oh come on miss that’s not fair!
Mrs Whitehall: Excuse me Thomas?!
George: He’s right miss I don’t want to work with Dean
either.
Mrs Whitehall: (Accusatory)
And why on earth not?
(George and Thomas
look at each other)
Thomas: With all due respect Miss, he’s fucking dull.
(The classroom erupts
with laughter as Dean (13), crushed, buries his head into his dictionary.)
Mrs Whitehall: How dare you! Get out of my classroom!
(Mrs Whitehall
continues to shout at Thomas and George while the rest of the class remain
laughing. Lights fade out.)
Act Three – The Office Again
(With the lights still
out the setting reverts back to the office. Dean has resumed his place beside
the window whilst Jane still hasn’t moved from her desk. Lights come on.)
Dean: It’s just sometimes I wish I could get more from
people than just their apathy, or their sympathy even. That’s the one thing I
can’t stand is the pitying looks I get from some people. I’ve got it all my
life from teachers, counsellors. Thinking they’re being really nice and looking
out for me. The head tilt and the puppy eyes and the “You alright Dean you okay
today?” It just makes me feel really awkward like I’m an invalid or something.
I just wish people would treat me like, you know, a person, like you do. I mean the worst for it is Ash; I really, really cannot
stand that guy. He’s such a nasty piece of work and you should know that he
stares at your (Hints towards his
bottom.) all the time. Do girls actually like that? Being eyed up wherever
they go? If I went out every day and a whole load of women looked me up and
down and thought “Me likey.” I would absolutely love it but I guess girls have
a little bit more decorum than us. But yeah, he’s awful.
(He quietens down like
he has just finished his sentence but is overtaken by a surge of irritation.)
And he is so bloody condescending to me! But it’s only when
other people are around, when I’m by myself it’s like I don’t even exist but
when we’re in the office it’s all “Yeah you alright mate you okay mate?”
Winking at everyone so they all look and think what a real top geezer he is when
really he’s just a massive cunt.
(Dean slaps his hands
to his mouth)
Dean: Oh shit I’m sorry I shouldn’t swear. Oh fuck sorry! (Laughs). I always feel guilty whenever I
swear my grandmother used to tell me off for doing it. (Pause.) Did I ever tell you I was brought up by my grandmother? I’m
sure I’ve mentioned it at least once. My mum was very young when she had me and
couldn’t really handle looking after me on her own so instead I went to stay
with my Grandma. I didn’t really mind, I mean I still got to see my mum every
now and then I knew who she was.
(Lights go out.)
Act Four – Mother
(The office desks and
coffee table are once again removed. A large rug is placed in the centre of the
stage along with a sofa which faces out towards the audience. A much larger
window with curtains replaces the office window. We can see depicted in it a
well-kept garden with a patio.)
(Grandmother and
Mother, both holding cups of teas, take their places on the sofa each. Dean (5)
sits on the floor with the same Oxford Dictionary however in a much better
condition. The lights come on.)
Grandmother: And what about young David any more plans with
him?
Mother: Oh god mum we’re over. He took me to India and he
got really drunk and tried to trade me in for some camels.
Grandmother: Ah, that’s a shame. (Pause) He might of gotten a good price.
(Grandmother drinks
her tea with a smug look in her eyes. Mother shoots her a look. Dean (5)
toddles up to his Grandmother and places his finger on a page in the
dictionary. She picks up the book and adjusts her glasses.)
Grandmother: Ah let’s see that’s… Reconnoiter. That’s
Ree-cuh-noi-ter. It means to make an observation to er. To get a really good
look at something, okay?
(Dean (5) nods vigorously.
He then turns towards his mother and gazes at her with delightful curiosity which
seems to unnerve her. Dean (5) returns to his position on the floor.)
Grandmother: He’ll find words he likes and gets me to read
them out for him. He loves that dictionary best present we ever bought him. (To Dean) You’re a peculiar little child
aren’t you?
(Dean (5) turns around
and nods vigorously once more.)
Mother: I don’t like the way he stares at me.
Grandmother: Don’t talk about him like he’s not here Emma.
Mother: Well it’s true! He gives me these funny looks it
freaks me out.
Grandmother: It’s because he loves you Emma for Christ sake
you’re his mother.
(Dean narrates over
the stage through a microphone.)
Dean: This is only partially true. Really it was because my
mother would visit every couple of months and every time she would have dramatically
changed her appearance. As a child, it was fascinating.
Mother: I’m not around long enough for him to know I’m his
Mother.
Grandmother: Now that’s enough. He’s not an idiot Emma he
knows who you are, he knows who I am and he loves us both. He’s just an
ordinary child and you’ve got to start seeing that. Look I never blamed you for
not being able to look after him I know you were young, and foolish-
Mother: (Interrupting)
Mum…
Grandmother: (Interrupting)
Well I’m just saying if you’re going to sleep with a boy who can’t even
remember which sides are left and right pregnancies are bound to happen.
Mother: (She holds her
hands to her head) Jesus Christ.
Grandmother:
But what I’m saying is, he’s your son, and he’s an intelligent boy in his own
right I mean the boy reads the Oxford Dictionary for a laugh for pity sake.
He’s happy enough with me but you know he could do with just a little bit more
affection on your end, right?
Mother: (Sulkily) Right.
Grandmother:
Now I’m going to go put the supper on. I’ll leave you two to. (Pause.) Reconnoiter each other.
(Grandmother exits. Mother plays with her cup of tea
awkwardly whilst Dean (5) continues to read the dictionary. Eventually Dean (5)
comes up to her, dictionary in hand, and places it in her lap. He points to a
word.)
Mother: Oh er, that’s, er, ignoramus. It means, well-
(Dean (5) clambers up to the sofa and
rests his head on her shoulder.)
Mother: (Thoughtfully) It means me. Sometimes.
(They look through the book together as
the lights go out.)
Act Five – The Office,
Finale.
(Setting reverts to office, Dean has
returned to his previous position; Jane is still at the computer.)
Dean: She was never a bad woman;
she just didn’t really know how to deal with me. We still keep in contact,
Facebook right? It’s just you know she has her life and I have mine. Wish it
was a bit more of a life though. God it’s depressing working here, I don’t know
how you can just be sat there typing away-
(Dean looks over at her computer screen.)
Dean: You’re playing Bejewelled!
What the hell you sneaky bastard!
(Dean smacks the table loudly causing Jane to jump. She
turns around and sees him holding his hand out to the computer in a
mock-judgemental manner.)
Jane: I’m sorry I’m sorry! (Holding her hands up.) Please don’t
arrest me!
(Dean Smiles and shrugs his shoulders. She laughs and
returns to playing bejewelled.)
Dean: No wonder I have to do the
work for the both of us. You know I can’t say I blame you this is the pits. I
wish I would have told you on your first day how awful this job really was,
saved you from a fate worse than death.
(He walks up to the right side of her desk as she
continues to type, unaware of his presence.)
Dean: We’d be back there on that
sunny day last year. You’d be skipping along and I’d grab you by the arm.
*(He grabs her by the arm, she looks up and
holds a dramatically surprised face.)
Dean: And I would say “Jane! Jane, It’s not
safe here!” and whisk you off into the streets of London!
(She leaps out of her chair and
they stride off together, arm in arm.)
Dean: And we would walk along the
embankment watching the street performers and eating cornetto’s until we stop
in front of the London Eye.
(A large screen drops down in front of the office desks
so that only Dean and Jane remain on stage. A picture of the London eye now
covers the stage. Dean takes Jane’s hands into his and as she clutches them her
eyes filled with adoration.)
Dean: And I would tell you “Jane,
the office is a bad place. They never turn on the air conditioning when it gets
too hot and the receptionists will treat you with contempt.” And you would say:
(Dean narrates in a high pitched voice imitating Jane
whilst she mimes the words.)
Dean: “Dean, oh Dean! I never
knew! Thank you for saving me from such a terrible fate!” And we would make the
decision to throw in our jobs and become street performers.
(Dean pulls back leaving Jane yearning for his attention.
He speaks to himself.)
Dean: Actually I wouldn’t have
the confidence to do that. Scratch that idea instead we’d-
(He pulls her close to him and holds her by the waist as
they look out towards the audience. He motions his hands towards the sky as
Jane looks out with amazement.)
Dean: We’d buy an Ice Cream Van!
And after a good day of work we’d celebrate with cider lollies and then I’d get
too drunk off them and eat all the cornetto’s and you’d get mad at me.
(Dean lets go of Jane. The background of the London Eye
rolls up and Jane quickly returns to her seat. She resumes her position at the
computer like nothing ever happened. Dean remains at the front of the stage.
The sound of the rain comes in quietly.)
Dean: Hopefully not too mad.
(Dean starts to move freely around the
office.)
Dean: You know I’m sorry I
complain about work so much. I don’t mean to sound like a miserable bastard I’m
not; I try not to be anyway. It’s just; I feel so, pointless sometimes. I mean
really what am I doing here? Shouldn’t I
be, I dunno, doing something with my life? I know I don’t have it that bad but
living in London just didn’t turn out to be what I expected it to be. There’s
just so many people here and so much to do I thought I’d find my own niche
y’know, but I haven’t. It’s like the more people there are the less anyone will
care.
Dean: (Becoming more passionate) But I didn’t want to spend my life just
shacked up with my grandmother like I’d just given up on it all y’know? I don’t
want to be some pitiable creature I wanted to like, have a life you know? Make friends!
Have jokes. Get a dog. (Pause)
Dean: (To Jane) And I mean let’s face it the only reason why I’m still
working here is because of you. I know I just sound like some stupid fool with
his heart on his sleeve yearning after any affection he gets but you know what,
maybe that’s the case. It’s just when I come to the office and I see you, you
make me shake. And I don’t feel like such an outcast because you’ll always say
hello, always. And I’m just looking forward towards the nine hours we spend
together every day even if you just spend it playing bejewelled.
I mean it’s so stupid I spend
every day with you and we hardly talk. I mean I know we speak online but it’s
not the same as a real conversation. I would give absolutely everything I have
in the world just to have the smallest of small talks with you. It’s like those
dreams when try to run but your feet won’t move. I just sit here and wish for
words to come out from me but I just can’t make them.
Dean: (To himself) And you know what even if I could tell you all of
this I wouldn’t, I know that you’d just freak out if you knew how I felt and I
don’t want to lose what we have at the moment; I like our little chats about
bad television and what our dinners were like! It’s just-
(He turns around once more to look at Jane. Dean becomes quiet
as the next words he says are what he wishes he could tell her every day.)
Dean: I don’t know how to tell
you that I love you. I don’t know how to make this go the way I want to go. I
just wish I wouldn’t feel so stupid-
(The rain suddenly stops as Ash enters)
Ash: (To Jane) Hey darling you alright.
(He looks
up at Dean and speaks to him in a loud and patronising manner.) Ah! You
alright there Dean! You having a good day?!
(Dean freezes. Humiliated by Ash’s behaviour he quickly
takes his place behind his desk and stares blankly at the computer, typing up
imaginary work. Jane looks at Dean with a concerned look which is then quickly
replaced by a hostile one towards Ash.)
Jane: (Annoyed) Jesus Christ Ash he’s mute he’s not an idiot.
(There is a pause as Ash stands in his place, embarrassed.)
Ash: (Recovering) Ah, sorry darling. (Pause)
Sorry Dean, look I was just looking for some extra pencils, y’got any?
Jane: (Focusing on her work) There’s some on my desk.
Ash: Ah thanks babe. (He goes around the back of her chair and reaches
over her to get them.) You coming to the pub for lunch later then?
Jane: Maybe.
Ash: Ah hard to get huh? Feisty
girl. (He looks over at Dean) See ya
around then Dean, mate?
(Dean throws an embarrassed smile towards Ash’s
direction.)
Ash: (To Jane) See ya later then sweetheart. (He gives Dean a wink and exits the stage.)
(Jane looks up from her work to see Dean visibly upset by
the ordeal.)
Jane: (Concerned) I’m sorry about Ash, Dean. I know how he can be. I
don’t like it either.
(She gets up and stands in front of him, Dean manages to
make eye contact.)
Jane: Look I know we can’t ever
really, y’know, chat chat, but we’re still friends aren’t we?
(Dean smiles and nods.)
Jane: And I mean if anything’s
ever bothering you, you can always tell me. We could set up a little system of
notes.
(She pauses and smiles. He smiles back.)
Jane: So, Dean, is there anything
you need to tell me?
(There is a pause, Dean’s voice plays over the speakers
as an internal monologue.)
Dean: I can’t.
(Dean shakes his head. Jane squeezes his arm before
returning to her desk to resume her work. He returns to gazing out the window as
the sound of rain becomes louder and louder. The lights fade out.)
End.
