Fifty Shades of Grey by E L James

This book is so badly written that I have in fact highlighted the parts which I find the most offensive. Let’s begin shall we? 

“Why don’t you like to be touched?” I whisper, staring up into his soft grey eyes. 

“Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia” page 269

This is in fact the first time the term “fifty shades” is mentioned in the whole book. No, the title is not some clever reference; it is in fact just him being a pretentious twat. E L James repeats this term several times throughout the whole book, probably because she thought it sounded so deep and she wanted everyone to know just exactly how deep and dark and mysterious Christian Grey really is.

Christian Grey is not deep, he is an arse. A terrible, pretentious arse who cares far too much about other people’s eating habits and really should be focusing on his career instead of stalking some boring cretin. I bought this book because, like everyone else, I was lead to believe that Mr Grey is the epitome of sexiness, I was thoroughly disappointed.

As for our protagonist, Anastasia Steele, I may be sick with rage because of how dull, annoying and just downright terrible she really is. This is the kind of girl who gives her sub-conscious and inner-goddess (whatever the hell that is) personalities. If I wanted to read a book about multiple personality disorder I’d read Fight Club, at least then I wouldn’t be so inclined to stamp the book into the ground out of the pure hatred I had for them.  “Surely she can’t be that bad?” I hear you say:

 “I KNOW WHAT HE’S REALLY LIKE- YOU DON’T!” page 352

Moving on, let’s discuss the sex part. Now here is where E L James writing flourishes and actually becomes fairly decent, you can tell she’s in her element (the dirty cow). However what I can’t get my head around is why she would think this would turn anyone on:

“Your ass will need training.” page 256

Literally the most un-erotic thing I have ever read. She also seems to find it necessary to repeat “The Contract” several times.

Ah yes, The Contract, about as interesting to read as the iTunes Terms and Conditions.  It’s basically a list covering all the details involved with having sex with Christian Grey and he thinks it’s appropriate to shove this, this creepy, boring contract, right in Anastasia’s stupid little face. If this had happened in real life the girl would have looked up at him, fear in her eyes, and slowly realised she was dealing with a sexual predator.

There are in fact a lot of choice mistakes, particularly with wording, which I believe someone should have pointed out to E L James during the editing process, however seeing that one of the editors was her own husband he probably wanted to avoid a shit-storm, “Of course that works honey! Oh you’re just so good at writing!” Luckily I’m here to point them out for her:

“I steal into the bathroom, bewildered by my lack of underwear” page 332

“He grins a wide, white-toothed smile at Kate, and she almost literally dissolves into the couch” page 306

Almost literally. ALMOST. LITERALLY. 

And you know what? Despite this, despite all the continuity errors, the poor choice of words, the absolutely terrible characters and just down right bad writing, I still got hooked. By the last 200 pages I just couldn’t put it down, I can’t even explain why, I imagine it’s how grossly overweight people feel, devouring more and more shit until you lose all reasoning. I just had to know how it was all going to play out; will they be together in the end? What deep, dark secrets is he hiding? How are they gonna fuck this time?

And you know what, I’m gonna buy the second book, I have to buy the second book. And I shall clasp it to my chest and weep at my own inadequacy as I realise I have given my hard earned money to such a terrible, terrible author.

tl:dr – Creepy rich weirdo hunts down and beats up some boring ass girl.

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